Inspired by a question prompt from everyone's favorite dinner party game We're Not Really Strangers, here are some little things that really aren't that little to me: When someone says to you "I'm listening," even though everyone else is talking over you. The way a significant other touches your back in ordinary moments of the day. A genuine introduction of friends. Finding the perfect bench in the park on that first beautiful spring day of the season. "This song reminds me of you." Witnessing kindness between strangers. Sharing a laugh with someone on the train. When someone senses you need a little bit longer of a hug, so they don't let go just yet. An unprompted "I'm proud of you," text. Sharing in someone else's joy like your own and similarly, when they reciprocate it. Book recommendations. "See you soon — can I grab you coffee?" Comfortable silences with someone special. Engaged listeners, who think about what you're telling them, as opposed to simply waiting to speak. People who make you forget about your phone when you're with them. Seeing an elderly couple holding hands while walking down the street. The way dogs seem to smile right at you. Friends who bring up your name in rooms with opportunities. Appreciating a quiet museum day with someone you love. The way someone glances back at you before they leave...
I could go on and on but since I received some wonderful responses the other day, I wanted to share your little things that aren't that little after all. Hope you enjoy.
When someone tells you they've been passing along a funny story you told! The joy continues!
When someone uses the word "we."
"Love You" text from my mom every day even if we don't talk.
When people sit on the kitchen stools while I cook.
When someone hears you come home and helps unload the car without asking.
When someone inserts your name into conversation instead of using "you" or "her" or "him."
Someone asking me about my childhood or my past.
Good morning texts.
When someone says "I understand" and you know they mean it.
When someone lets you talk and pays attention to you.
When someone asks how to say my name.
When seeds you plant grow into something glorious!
Being gifted a book, a good playlist shared and a "be safe" message.
Listening to my teenage son humming and knowing he is happy.
Strangers holding the door open for you.
Smiling eyes...not just a smile.
When my toddler whispers, "I love you, mama."
When someone addresses you by your name in conversation.
When someone is genuinely excited to see you.
"I'm taking you out to dinner tonight."
When bus drivers honk/wave at each other as they pass by.
Friends who say your name in rooms with opportunities.
When someone remembers your name after only the first meeting.
"Sweet dreams" and a kiss goodnight.
My children helping me after surgery without me ever saying a word.
When a stranger compliments my outfit in passing.
When my partner puts my car in the garage because it's gonna snow over night.
Sharing food with someone.
Dinner dates without checking phones.
When he rubs your back/shoulder as he passes by during a social gathering.
My husband lending me his good socks when my feet are cold.
Eye contact when someone is asking how you are.
A gentle touch on the shoulder or hand.
My husband making morning coffee so it's ready when I get up.
I think a lot of us would agree, it’s easy to identify (and swiftly ignore at our own expense) the red flags in others — the traits we find to be harmful or toxic to be around. But today, very much inspired by Molly Burford’s list on the same subject, I wanted to jot down a few green flags. Traits and qualities I personally love to celebrate in others.
Lovers of big dreams and small details. Students of empathy. Teachers of grace. Disciples of humility. People who celebrate your weirdness. And, in turn, allow you to celebrate theirs. The belly-laughers. The long story-tellers. The curiosity-seekers. People who take photos of obscure things that remind them of your interests and send them to you with a simple “thinking of you.” The ones who remember to take photos for memory sake, not just for social media sake. The ones who always take the long way home. The ones who never take you for granted.
The person whose head is in the clouds. Their heart is on their sleeve. And their feet are ready to run alongside yours. The homebodies who punctuate their lives with adventure. Quiet revelers, loud dreamers. They’re quick to dance, slow to judge. Rich in kindness and never frugal with it. They have a hint of madness but so do you. Those who remind you of your favorite heroes and heroines from literature. Those who push you to keep writing your chapters. Those who want to write chapters with you.
Now, when I opened the floor the other day for your green flags, here's a sampling of what you shared with me...
Embracing our own space and love the silent moments without having to explain it or fill it with noise.
Those who pause and reflect before speaking.
Shares the last piece of food with you.
Empathy when you are not at your best.
The selfless ones who give voice to those who cannot speak or advocate for themselves.
Not needing to be loudest in the room but whose absence would undoubtedly be felt.
One who reads. One who dares to dream and works hard to make them come true.
My boyfriend calls his grandmother every night! His best green flag.
Eyes that do no lie and speak alongside their words.
Those who share meaningful silences and conversations.
The people who genuinely ask deep questions about you and your likes to get to know you.
People who actually recognize inner beauty in another and give them a chance. Very rare.
A little weird.
Confident in themselves.
Open minded to new things, goods, ways of life, ideas.
You know what makes me sad? We don't practice patience anymore. Everything is immediate, expected in the here and now. And in a lot of ways, I don't bemoan that. All in the name of progress, right? But if it's not delivered in under an hour, if we're not experts at something right away, if it can't be consumed/read/enjoyed in the first 2 seconds without a great deal of critical thought, we move on. Scroll to the next shiny thing, in hopes it hooks our fleeting, ever darting attention.
I don't say any of this without blame myself. I know I'm caught up in it, as well. Which is why I'm making an effort to practice more patience these days. Taking long walks without my phone. Learning and enjoying how to be a beginner again. Snapping more moments on film. Daily routines that help remind me, just because things can be instantaneous, doesn't mean they always should be.
All that said, I suppose I should also add, breaking the cycle of impatience doesn't come easy for me. Quite the opposite, really. I spend a disproportionate amount of time every day berating myself for not doing all the things that I think are expected of me. That I expect of myself. Even this blog hiatus of mine gives me anxiety. But I suppose, at some point last year, after my sweet dog Elvis passed and I tried picking up the pieces of a hustle mentality to stay relevant on the platforms that pay the bills, I knew something had to give.
Unfortunately, that something ended up being the one constant in my life that always soothes me — writing. And the longer I stayed away, the harder it became to face. And the harder it became to face, the more I convinced myself, perhaps it's for the best. Who reads long format content anymore, anyway? If something isn't packaged as a pithy 7 second video, will anyone out there care? Or notice?
Now, I realize I'm sounding quite defeated at this point. I assure you (if anyone is reading still), that I'm not. I spent a great deal of time the past few weeks weighing out what makes me feel whole. Both in the professional and the personal sense. And while I've accepted there are inevitable truths about how my industry has changed over the years (some for the better, some not), I realize I need to maintain a balance of content creation that keeps me centered. Platforms and trends will come and go and I'll try my best to interpret them in a way that feels authentic to me. But it's my writing. The practice of writing. The connection of writing. The cathartic act of writing. Even if another living soul never reads my words here on the internet — that's the pursuit I'd like to chase my whole life.
And that's something worth being patient for, don't you think?
My unsolicited advice for the new year? A few thoughts...Be soft with yourself. Similarly, don't be afraid to be soft with others. But learn when hard stops are necessary. Embrace your curiosity — let it be the balm to your soul. Throw out the timelines. Trust your timing instead. Don't fear endings. They're just new beginnings in disguise. You don't need to have everything figured out today, tomorrow, or hell, even 5 years from now. Some of the most interesting people you'll meet (and have yet to meet) still don't have it figured out and I like to think, that's what makes life so damn interesting. It's the predictability you have to be wary of...
First things first, happy new year, my friends! I hope your celebrations, whether you stayed home or went out with friends, were filled with love and gratitude. I know mine certainly was.
Secondly, I suppose I might be coming out of my blogging hibernation. Or rather, I'd really like to wake up from this slumber but I'm now debating if I'm ready. Either way, I know I've missed you all terribly and appreciate the kind comments and messages you've sent in my absence. If I haven't underscored it lately, I'm so very blown away by this community of strong, intelligent, curious women who decide to visit me here.
So...here we are on the first Monday of the new year. The first full "work day" for many, myself included, after the holiday break. In previous years, I'd have a prepared resolutions blog post, likely waxing poetically about my intentions for the year, perhaps even throwing in a focus word or two. While that is admirable and entirely well and good, I paused when I sat down to write this blog post today and really asked myself what I hope to ask myself each time I write and share anything with you all — what is the why behind this? If the answer ever resembles "because I feel obligated to" then I know my heart isn't in it.
That said, I have no plans to share and no sweeping resolutions and if you don't either, then cheers to you. The thing that we often forget is that every day is an opportunity for a new start. You don't need the calendar to reflect January to do so. Today, I felt compelled to share the full list of lessons you all graciously shared with me a few weeks ago — a compilation of your triumphs, joys and sorrows from 2021 that bore a teaching moment. If you're still getting your footing here in 2022 like I am, I think reflecting on the past year (the good and bad) is a wonderful place to start.
Let's kick this off, shall we? Here's what you all learned in 2021...
"That there is strength in weakness."
"Tomorrow might never come. Enjoy today. No regrets."
"I'm good at alone time. Always avoided it before."
"I can be alone. Like 5 states away from friends alone and still thrive and kick some ass."
"My job doesn't define my worth."
"Being kind and caring is a superpower, not a weakness."
"To be bold, audacious and to trust myself."
"To depend on myself for my own happiness and that I am enough."
"Resilience. I wish I didn't have to learn this lesson."
"To separate external expectations from my own values and interests."
"That I am running my own race and that I really miss living in the same city as my family."
"Clothes can be comfy and chic."
"Buy all the shoes, take all the trips (when it's safe) and spend time with loved ones."
"To shift my priorities. Love as much and as best as I can."
"My puppy scout has reminded me what it's like to have pure love. I'm so grateful."
"I am an entrepreneur."
"I am not in control."
"To say no to things that don't nourish me or help me grow."
"How to heal from trauma responses/patience/empathy."
"That life can change in the blink of an eye."
"To remove the guilt from other's people disappointments."
"Imperfect and real is so much better than some dumb picture perfect idea I had."
"To live period."
"To ask for help when I need it. It's not a sign of weakness."
"Never settle. Something better always comes along."
"Waiting for the love you deserve you will be more than worth it."
"There is absolutely no point in settling for a person or a job."
"Not to shortchange myself and ask for that raise...and persist until I get it."
"Every moment is fleeting, find something I enjoy about each moment."
"That despite overwhelming grief (at times), I can have good days."
"Nothing is permanent or black and white. And also, there aren't any rules."
"That being around people you love is the best treasure the world can offer."
"To always be grateful for the life I have..."
"Spending time with family is very important, live your life with no excuses. Do everything."
"How others view me doesn't define me. Kindness always wins. Creative minds are magic."
"Ring the bells that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack, a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in."
~ Leonard Cohen
I remember listening to this Leonard Cohen song — "Anthem"— the day after the 2016 Presidential election, and just a few days after Cohen's passing. There's an introspectiveness and melancholy to Cohen's storytelling through song that always seems to find me when I need it most, in the most unexplained, but welcome ways. Sadly, I've needed Cohen more and more often the past several years. For many reasons, really. And for one reason mainly.
Cohen wasn't known to explain his music often but he did give a rare insight to "Anthem" in a radio interview segment from 1992. Given the horrific crimes we've witnessed this week in Atlanta against our Asian American Pacific Islander community— and in the previous months as well, largely thanks to inflammatory and racist rhetoric from a former United States President, I thought Cohen's words here could help us find our purpose and our courage to keep fighting for the humanity of others. To keep working to let the light in.
"The future is no excuse for an abdication of your own personal responsibilities towards yourself and your job and your love. “Ring the bells that still can ring” they’re few and far between but you can find them.
This situation does not admit of solution of perfection. This is not the place where you make things perfect, neither in your marriage, nor in your work, nor anything, nor your love of God, nor your love of family or country. The thing is imperfect.
And worse, there is a crack in everything that you can put together: Physical objects, mental objects, constructions of any kind. But that’s where the light gets in, and that’s where the resurrection is and that’s where the return, that’s where the repentance is. It is with the confrontation, with the brokenness of things."
Like many of you, I am heartbroken, gutted and devastated by the proliferation of hate crimes against our minority communities in this country. And this week's mass shooting, that resulted in the murder of 8 people, 6 of whom, were Asian women is another horrific punch to the stomach. Make no mistake, this was a racially motivated hate crime, no matter how the shooter might explain his "bad day" defense. Which means, I can't even begin to imagine the pain and fear my AAPI friends are going through— to feel unwelcome and unsafe in America, their home.
Sadly, the older I get, the more I realize, there isn't much that surprises me anymore, particularly when it comes to racism in this country. And I hate that it's currently 2021, and that previous sentence is largely true for all of you reading this, too. Racism is an insidious, heinous disease that can yes, explode in the ways we've seen it splashed across headlines, particularly this last year alone. But the even more dangerous thing about racism is that it largely courses through a seedy underbelly, oftentimes undetected or at least, unchecked. Our own history books are a prime example of this, with omissions of important figures, alterations of events or complete falsifying of the truth. All in effort to perpetuate a narrative that supports and upholds systems of white supremacy.
To circle this back with Cohen, I know I may not have the perfect words at all times, but I am committed to standing with those who need me. Because we all need each other. To listen. To learn. To understand. To empathize. To champion. To defend. To love. Until we all receive those basic human rights, until we ALL feel safe, none of us are safe.
If you'd like to dive into ways to get involved or perhaps better understand how we can all take action against hate crimes, particularly in regards to our AAPI communities, I've put together a brief and by no means comprehensive resource list of stats, organizations and charities working to stop Asian hate. Please join me in helping to let the light in.
Stats
40% of U.S. adults believe "it has become more common for people to express racist views toward Asians since the pandemic began" (Source: Pew Research)
More than 1,800 racist incidents against Asian Americans were reported between March and May of 2020, according to a United Nations Report (Source: CBS News)
By late April, a coalition of Asian-American groups that had created a reporting center called Stop AAPI Hate, said it had received almost 1,500 reports of incidents of racism, hate speech, discrimination, and physical attacks against Asians and Asian-Americans. (Source: Human Rights Watch)
Create to Stop Hate: If you are or know anyone who is an AAPI artist, brand, creative or maker, this organization is currently looking for submissions to be auctioned off as a means of raising funds for Stop AAIP Hate, the organization I listed above. For questions regarding submissions, head to the @createtostophate Instagram profile for more details.
And as always, if you have any resources you'd like to add to the above list, please do let me know!
I'm not an overly fussy person when it comes to birthdays. In fact, perhaps it's the Pisces in me, but a big celebration in my honor stresses me out just to think about — let alone, plan. Which is why I'll always tend to favor small and intimate gatherings — the unavoidable theme of this past year perhaps for us all, whether we liked it or not.
A few weeks ago, on a cold February Friday, I turned 35. It was a quiet day of heads down work and creative tasks for campaigns I had in flight, followed by dinner and a movie at home with my two favorite guys. It snowed for most of the day, which was the perfect extra excuse I needed to sit at my window as dusk settled, waiting for the glow of the apartment windows around us to pepper the palpably cold darkness outside.
You see, birthdays always bring a heavy dose of introspection for me. That might sound overly despondent, and perhaps it is, but I don't mind it much. The truth is — the further I move along into my 30s, the more comfortable I feel actually sitting with things, reflecting on them, understanding what it is about them that makes me happy and similarly, what it is about them that makes me sad. And this past year, this past trip around the sun? There was plenty to be thankful for, to celebrate, to cherish, to learn from, and yes, there was plenty to mourn as well — each one no more valuable than the other, each one deserving of headspace, especially as I closed out yet another proverbial chapter, in preparation for the next.
In the past, I might have written a pithy collection of 35 things I've learned in 35 years but I have a feeling that's been done many times before. So instead, I'd rather leave you with one particular truth I've come to underscore time and time again and that's a certain Maya Angelou quote that I think applies so beautifully to practically everything: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
As for these photos? Well, let's just say, while I may turn down a big fancy, soirée in my honor, that doesn't mean I'll skip out on dressing up for any and all other occasions, formal or not.
2minute read2minute read I've always been a firm believer that you can tell a lot about someone by the books, the music and the art they keep in their home.
...I remember one particular evening walking home from the bus stop in San Francisco, after a long day at work.
At the time, as my long-time readers may recall, I had just started working at Google, after a lengthy acquisition transition from my previous role at a start up, where we spent several months prepping for said acquisition interviews. I look back at those start up months before ending up at Google as some of the hardest of my early 20s. To make a long story short, it was a toxic work environment. I was worried about meetings all the time. I didn't eat well. I was staying up all night working on presentations for meetings the following morning, usually with a Diet Coke next to me in bed. Come to think of it, my first grey hairs happened around this time frame, which to a 24-year old, that was nearly apocalyptic. In a lot of ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. In other ways, I can still feel the heat flushing my face as I got up at 6am, realizing I was about to dread every minute of work that day.
I know what you're thinking...dramatic much? So let's fast forward to this evening in question.
I had just gotten off the Google shuttle, walking back downhill from Alamo Square toward a studio apartment in Hayes Valley that I loved. I can't tell you the specifics about that day -- what I was wearing, what show I was perhaps excited to watch at the time or what I was about to make for dinner. But I remembered feeling overwhelmingly happy. And I don't mean in the sense "I had a good day so I'm happy," happy, although from what I can remember, I did have a good day. No, this happiness was different -- I was very acutely aware during that walk home, of how happy I was with my life at that moment. From my boyfriend at the time, to my new-found work-life balance at Google, from the creativity I was feeling in both my professional and personal spheres to living in a new city that excited me every day. All the factors combined made me realize, in an almost existential, out of body way, how happy I was with how my life was coming together at that particular moment in time. I remember smiling on the way home, hopeful that I'd be able to maintain some semblance of this inner peace for years to come.
Naturally, over the course of the 10 years that followed that day, I've been extremely fortunate to have many bouts of similar happiness, both while I worked at Google and especially after I decided to leave to commit myself full-time to this corner of the internet that so many of you have afforded me the opportunity to make a living off of. On the flip side, I've had many phases where the opposite has been true -- running a small business is extremely rewarding, but running a small business where the platforms, algorithms and business objectives of big companies change every quarter, every week, every day(!), is just downright exhausting no matter how hard I try to adapt in my own way. To compound that, throw in the storm that is 2020 and it was only inevitable that I'd find myself in a prolonged state of feeling, for lack of a better word, defeated.
Before I share why I've been feeling defeated, I just wanted to underscore that I don't share any of this lightly or without the understanding that I know I'm extremely fortunate, especially given how much 2020 has brought. By all accounts, I'm healthy. My family is healthy. At the moment, I still have work to keep me somewhat busy and afloat. And I have an extremely supportive partner, who I love and feel infinitely closer to because of this pandemic. In the grand scheme of things, I know my experience pales in comparison to what so many people, in this country and around the world, are battling day after day -- so why can't I shake this negativity? Why can't I chase away these rain clouds? And moreover, how dare I assume my situation warrants attention at all -- which is where my guilt knocks on the door to join the already crowded pity part and I just want to dive under a pile of blankets and hide.
I suppose my overall hope in sharing this post today is simple. I don't want sympathy. Or advice. And I don't have tips to share on how I'm combatting these feelings just yet (because I'm still in the process of sorting that out). No, mainly I just want to remind whoever is reading this and feeling something similar at the moment, that you're certainly not alone. And despite what the internet might lead you to believe, we're all going through something -- big and small. My experience isn't meant to negate or diminish the importance of yours. And vice versa. That's the blessing and the curse of the human experience, right? With any luck, as I'm trying to remind myself now as I type this, the bad passes eventually. Pivot moments happen. Rain clouds clear. And we get on with it. My hope for you is that you can remember that when it gets dark and you don't know how to move forward -- light will come and your feet will move, one in front of the other. As they always find a way to do.
The world feels terribly uncertain
If ever there was an understatement for the year of 2020 it would be that it was full of uncertainty. We're practically riding wave after wave of uncertainty at this point -- which is, by itself, the only certainty this year has brought. As my boyfriend pointed out last night during dinner, I started my blog over 11 years ago, in the midst of the global financial crisis with zero idea of what the future had in store for me. Ironically enough, things feel somewhat full circle at the moment in that I'm on a career path that I'm not sure how to navigate forward during a time where the economy is volatile at best.
As a very emotionally charged Pisces, I'm empathetic to a fault. I absorb the energy around me -- the good and the bad -- taking it on sometimes, as if it were my own. Over the years, I've gotten better at filtering this and deflecting when I need to, but ever since March hit, it's gotten increasingly harder and harder every day. Especially as the news cycles churn out scary headlines left and right and the concept of time has both slowed down immensely and sped up at a frightening pace. My focus has felt jilted in a lot of ways, and while I was able to hone in creatively during much of the lockdown for work, I'm feeling a new troubling undercurrent rise up as it pertains to my career, which brings me to my next point.
Work feels terribly uncertain
This "undercurrent" I mentioned isn't necessarily spurred because of the pandemic. If anything, it's been festering for quite a while before hand. For the past year or so, I've struggled with defining it. Mainly because, in a lot of ways, it's contradictory. On one hand, I feel the most fulfilled with the visual content I've been creating lately -- from a photography stand point, from a storytelling standpoint, from a styling standpoint. And yet, at the same time, I feel the most resentment toward it, too -- mainly because of the platform vehicles I rely on to disseminate that content (ahem, Instagram) feel more and more limited reach wise. I won't bore you all with my gripes about the algorithm and analytics, as a sad, tiny violin plays in the background. At the end of the day, I'm aware of all the different "tips" I could heed as it pertains to "winning" at the Instagram game. But somewhere along the way of this past year, I've realized I don't know if I'm cut out for this game anymore. I don't enjoy making TikTok style, match-cut videos. I'm not an over-sharer when it comes to a lot of the inner details of my life. And perhaps it's the onset of my mid 30s, but I feel less and less inclined to spend hours rounding up links of what to buy on Amazon or the Nordstrom sale.
I don't say any of that to demean that work. Because it is admirable work. And I respect when content creators approach it thoughtfully and with intention. It's just not me. I think I miss certain aspects of the internet circa 2009/2010 that didn't feel all-consuming, all day long. I'm the same introvert I was back in college and as much as I've tried to "showcase" my online persona in recent years, it doesn't come naturally to me. Which is why I've thrown myself into trying to create aspirational content -- beautiful imagery with what I hope have been thought-provoking captions and posts. Something to make you stop, think and in some way or another, feel inspired to carry that notion into your own life.
What I'm starting to find is perhaps I've either fallen short in that pursuit or there isn't much appetite for it in the first place. I'm fine with either answer. I'm just trying to figure out what that means for my next step, where this corner of the internet isn't my sole income source. Bottom line: I'm definitely at a crossroads. And I'm not sure I know what road I want to turn on from here.
I miss my family
Like many you, I haven't seen my family since Christmas. Admittedly, I don't make it back west multiple times throughout the year, so there's nothing terribly out of the ordinary with that statement. But ever since March, I've had this anxiety-ridden fear in my gut that I wasn't sure when and if I'd be able to see them this coming holiday season as I would normally plan to. Suddenly, I was faced with this fear of feeling helpless in the face of the pandemic, as it pertained to my parents and their health. I miss them. I miss my sister. And I hate not knowing when I can see them next. When I can hug them next. When I can tell them to their face that I love them.
Elvis has cancer
For various reasons, I've put off sharing this information, but mainly because, I was in shock for a long time. His diagnosis came rather unexpectedly during a routine checkup back at the end of May. It knocked the wind out of my lungs when our vet called me to say, "Do you have a moment to chat about Elvis?" Swollen lymph nodes led to a biopsy and eventually to a positive lymphoma diagnosis, followed by a dark and sad spiral of feeling so helpless at a time where I already felt pretty helpless. Now, in light of everything going on, I felt like I was about to lose my best friend of 7 years, my side kick who had seen me through good times and bad times, cross country moves, broken hearts and countless ugly cries, always calming me with an earnest lick on the cheek where tears had been.
I didn't share at the time, again mainly because my approach to sharing extremely personal things like this on the internet is to sit and BE with them for a moment. I had to process on my own. And with Ty and the advice of our doctors. Further compounded by the long overdue resurgence of the BLM movement that was happening at roughly the same time, my news felt terribly tone deaf. Far more important stories needed the mic and the airtime. And they still do.
Fast forward to today, and we're already several months into chemotherapy. Elvis is responding extremely well to the treatments -- and in fact, has already achieved remission! I temper that statement with a reality that I've had to accept since the end of May -- statistically speaking, most dogs with lymphoma, even after successful chemotherapy, will relapse at some point. An ideal outcome is to get 2 more years post diagnosis to fill with happy memories for them and for you. And believe me, that is what I intend to do for Elvis. For as long as I can.
Wrapping this novel up...
All of this very long-winded post is to say: if you're feeling uncertain, uncomfortable, defeated and lost right now or even just a sliver of any of those feelings combined, please know, I see you. I really do. You're not alone. And while I could go into a long list of rational tips on how to combat those feelings, I know sometimes the simple thing that makes me feel infinitely better, is knowing there's someone else who's going through it as well. That and writing it all out -- 2,000 words later and I feel like I've gotten a good weight off my chest. I sincerely hope this post doesn't come across as ungrateful and whiny -- I was merely hoping to provide a sense of camaraderie at a time when I think we could use it most.
Truthfully, I keep thinking about the girl I was 10 years ago on that early fall day in 2010, walking home from the bus stop and how painfully happy she felt! Despite the bitterness 2020 might have instilled in me thus far, I still know deep down, I'm capable of feeling that way again. I just have a bit of work to do to get back there.
Truth be told: I didn't realize this would be such a requested topic.
Just a few weeks ago, after playing around with the newly launched Questions feature on Insta Stories, I noticed a common question popping up -- namely around how I prepared and eventually moved to New York City about three years ago from San Francisco. I suppose at the time of moving, I didn't exactly consider myself an expert on the subject by any stretch of the imagination -- heck, I was flying by the seat of my pants and praying that my stuff made it across the country seemingly in one piece, a friend who knew about Bradford real estate gave me some advice on how to move into New York because he had lived there before -- so it felt misguided of me to share my blueprints as the "be-all, end-all" plan.
But, I think after reflecting these past few years, I've realized how much that process was a long time in the making -- years really -- so I wanted to sit down and jot down my thoughts on the subject, in hopes it helps some of you, sitting wherever you're sitting in the world, make that New York dream a reality, too. I can remember how it was getting close to moving day and I was stressing out so much. I didn't know how I was going to transport all of my items in one go, especially as I only had a small car at the time. Luckily for me, a family friend offered to hire a van which they would use to help me take my possessions to my new home. This was amazing because I didn't think this would even be an option, but I'm so grateful this offer came through. He was telling me how it wasn't hard to get a van, the companies he looked into they have an online quotation system, made the process of obtaining the right insurance a lot easier. I look back on how everything was initially and I'm so happy with how everything has turned out.
First things first, though -- let's set some context.
For those of you who don't know already, I am not originally from New York or the east coast in general, and I have no family on this side of the country. I'm originally from Reno, Nevada -- 'Biggest Little City in the World' and it truly feels that way. Big enough to get lost, small enough where you know most people. And for as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in New York. I blame this on many books (Catcher in the Rye and The Great Gatsby to name a few), and several fictional TV/movie characters (Carrie, yes, I'm looking at you) and after a brief 5-year stint working in tech in San Francisco, I eventually made the cross-country leap, with the help of my company at the time. I should note, Google helped subsidize the costs of the move, covering most of the bigger expenses, like getting all my things from point A (SF) to point B (NYC), as it wouldn't be fair to not paint that full financial picture for you. But there was a lot I knew I had to be prepared to cover myself, upfront, and even more, so that I discovered perhaps the hard way.
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The bottom line is: Moving to New York is expensive. Living here is even more expensive. Here's how I did it and what I learned in the process.
It's true what they say -- it's NOT for everyone: Let's start here, shall we? Lots of people want to move to New York, not everyone wants to actually LIVE here. It's fast-paced, it's expensive, it's HOT in the summer, it's COLD in the winter, it's basically a city of extremes -- which means the pros (and don't get me wrong, there are MANY!) are sometimes equally met with the cons, depending on how you look at it. Before you start getting those proverbial ducks in a row to move to NYC, I would definitely recommend visiting the city multiple times, preferably at different times of the year to see if you can actually picture your life here. After many NYFW visits during February (read: when hell actually freezes over), and realizing that I still really wanted to live here, I knew I couldn't turn back.
The cost and logistics of moving: As I mentioned before, much of the actual move cost was subsidized by Google, my employer at the time, but that doesn't mean I splurged. I was given a set amount and I had to make it stretch. Moving is never easy for anyone, but it is not an impossible task. Whether someone needs to learn more about using a vehicle transport service, for example, find boxes big enough to fit essentials, go house hunting or even get the help of friends/family to assist them on the day, there's so much that goes into the moving process. When the time came to actually figure out what was coming with me across the country, I realized how much I actually needed to downsize. A lot of furniture was donated (bye, bye Ikea) and I even sold a bunch of clothes -- all in hopes to lighten the final load. Since I was taking only a handful of pieces of furniture (a bed, dresser, bar cart, a bike, and my closet), I ultimately went with a shipping container -- one that gets dropped off at your home/apartment, you pack it yourself, it gets picked up a few days later and is driven across the country via semi-trucks. The grand total was around several thousand, but it depends on what size container you order and how heavy the actual load comes out to be. I ordered Task Rabbit movers for packing up my SF apartment and again when it came time to unload and move into my NYC apartment.
Ditch your car: Perhaps this goes without saying, but you won't need it here and in fact, it'll cost you quite a bit just to keep it in the city, depending on which neighborhood you end up in. My two cents: sell it or donate it before you leave, unless you're ready to pony up for premium parking here in the city. I donated my car to Kars 4 Kids (a great end of year tax write off!).
Research your neighborhoods: Since I had a decent amount of visits to NYC under my belt, I had a relatively solid understanding of what neighborhoods I really LOVED hanging out in and which ones I could actually see myself living in. Perhaps it's the Carrie Bradshaw aficionado in me, but my heart was always in the West Village from the start. Of course, this came with some hard realizations: every neighborhood is expensive, some more so than others (like the West Village), and you really have to consider what type of lifestyle you're looking to balance. Do you want to be near the parks? Do you want great restaurants nearby? What about nightlife? What if you want more peace and quiet? How close are major subway lines? What does your commute to work look like? And then there's the HARD question of what can you actually afford? Should you consider roommates to help alleviate the cost? And as much as possible, try to chat with people who live in those neighborhoods -- see what they love about the area and what they hate. When I was moving, I talked a lot with coworkers and friends -- but if you're starting from scratch here, try reaching out on social media -- you'd be surprised how happy people are to share what they love (and what they hate!) about their neighborhood to help you out!
The apartment hunting process is not for the faint of heart: While researching your neighborhoods, it's also a good idea to get really comfortable with the following truth: it's not easy finding an apartment in New York City. Sure, there are those urban legends that someone magically lucked out with a rent-controlled, high-ceiling, pre-war beauty for a fraction of the normal going rental price, but the reality is, it's hard work and you rarely get everything you're looking for.
When I was searching for apartments, I was doing most of it from across the country while still working and living in SF, and therefore had to rely on a broker, who was basically my eyes and ears on the ground here in NYC. Let it suffice to say: he earned his commission! I planned one long weekend in NYC to look at a BUNCH of apartments back to back and had to ultimately decide on one soon after so I could keep my relocation on schedule. As much as I'd love to say it's realistic to take your time and house up in hotels and Air BnBs before deciding on an apartment, most of us don't have that budget or that time frame to work with -- things move fast here, especially semi-decent apartments, so you have to as well, or you'll be left in the lurch. My advice: make a list of your non-negotiables (mine were pet-friendly, off the ground floor, near subway lines) and make another list of things you're willing to budge on (storage space, aesthetic qualities) and be open-minded and realistic with yourself when searching. Oh, and that upper maximum rate you set for yourself -- STICK TO IT.
Some general rules of thumb to keep in mind when searching: there are a lot of units available in the summer, mainly because students are graduating and possibly relocating for the season but rental rates are typically lower in the winter, February being the BEST time to sign a lease. Pet-friendly buildings are harder to come by and they vary by neighborhood -- West Village, generally speaking, is pretty dog-friendly. A broker is 99% of the time inevitable, whether you like it or not and they typically charge around 15% of the yearly rent. StreetEasy will be your best resource for listings -- check it daily.
Get your financials in ORDER: OK, so you've found an apartment you LOVE (or at least, tolerate enough to throw thousands of dollars at each month), now what? First of all, you have to get your belongings in there using a company similar to https://www.dscarriers.co.uk/removals-glasgow/. Then, now it's time for your marathon. I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't: the approval process is cut-throat here. Case in point: most building management companies and/or landlords require that you make 40 to 50 times the monthly rent in a year, and if you don't, they may require you to have a guarantor on file (i.e. someone who promises to pay if you default). To make matters more complicated, sometimes they'll require that the guarantor lives in the tri-state area, to make collecting easier. As someone whose parents live on the other side of the country, if I had to go that route, I'd be screwed (thankfully, I didn't).
So what goes into an application you ask? Several recent pay stubs, recent tax returns, bank statements, all liquid asset statements, employment letter, previous landlord references, personal references, a credit check and a handwritten note, signed in blood, promising your first unborn child. (I'm only sort of kidding on that last point.) Even after all that, there's still a possibility that you may not get approved, depending on the building and the area -- sometimes management agencies will cut deals and ask that you pay several month's rent upfront to guarantee. My advice would be to polish that application package -- and identify the areas where you need to beef things up. Pad that savings account (more on that in the next bullet point), and have most paperwork already printed and ready to go (I arrived at most apartment viewings with my application already prepared in manilla folders).
Since I was working full-time at Google when applying, my employment letter carried a bit more weight than perhaps what my self-employed application might look like now, so that's something to keep in mind as well.
SAVE: This point should probably be the first and most obvious one to underline and underscore: SAVE UP. After you've gotten past the initial sticker shock of rental prices, move prices and broker fees, there's the unavoidable truth: New York is just plain expensive. Dining out is expensive. Dining in is expensive. Having a social life of some sort is expensive. Heck, washing your dog is expensive here. On top of that, NYC alone has a ridiculous amount of taxes to deal with (federal, state and city) so you'll need to sit down and really review your current financial and employment situation before moving. Since I was coordinating my move at the same time as a possible career change (that being quitting my full-time gig and pursuing blogging full-time) I knew I wanted that savings account to be even fatter than usual. Full disclosure: it took me several years to get my savings to account to a place where I felt comfortable moving and eventually quitting -- the very last thing I wanted was to get there and realize I had nothing to fall back on if I needed it.
Of course, while everything above sounds like an incredible PAIN IN THE ASS, the morning I woke up after spending the first night in my West Village apartment, with nothing but an inflatable mattress on the ground and lots of boxes, I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. And, despite my ups and downs with the city over the years, that smile has stayed ever since.
What about you guys? Do any of you live in NYC? What was your experience moving here like?
8minute read8minute read There's a Mister Rogers quote that I particularly love and it goes like this: "There are three ways to ultimate success. The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind." And god damn it, it's so true. Kindness follows kindness. And success usually isn't far behind it.
Today, we're going to talk about The Happy Apples.
What the (fuck) are The Happy Apples, you say? Well, I'm glad you asked!
Let's rewind to 5th grade Krystal back in Reno, Nevada. I was insufferably shy. I loved to read ALL the time. I was obsessed with the Spice Girls. And admittedly, after reading through that list, not much has changed, but I do think about the group of friends I made and kept when I was that age, and realize, a lot, in fact, has changed.
The Happy Apples was the self-given name of a group of my closest girl friends (shameless shoutout to Darby, Amber, Siobhan and Breanne)! We met most days after school, in my backyard clubhouse (God, I miss that clubhouse) and made up an impressive amount of organizational infrastructure for a childhood secret club. We're talking a club song, club IDs, club passwords, club pledge, club rules, gosh you name it, it was probably scrawled out in a notebook that is likely still under my childhood bed at home. We told each other secrets. We knew all the words to "Wannabe." We cried on each other's shoulders as some of our respective parents went through divorces. We giggled about some of the boys we had crushes on at school. We were inseparable.
In short, it was pure, honest childhood friendship.
Now today's post isn't to say friendship becomes less pure or less honest as you get older. On the contrary! I have plenty of amazing, complex and inspiring men and women in my life who I'm so proud to call my friends. But unlike 5th grade Krystal all those years ago, the means to which you meet and foster relationships with these amazing, complex and inspiring people becomes a lot more, let's say, complicated as you get older. Much more complicated than a shared interest in the Spice Girls and how well you fold notes that you pass in class.
So if the Spice Girls and note folding don't get us there, how do you meet, make and keep friends, as an adult?
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I'll preface everything below by saying, I'm learning as I go, too! After multiple moves, job changes, relationship changes and lifestyle changes the past few years, my circle of friends has ebbed and flowed through all of it -- and it's still all very much a work in progress. At the end of the day though, sometimes we all need the reminder that we actually DO know how to make friends and that lots of girls (and guys) out there are looking for friends, too! With that in mind, I wanted to kick off this conversation in hopes we could all help each other out a bit, because that's what internet friends are for, am I right?
So...let's like...be friends?
OK, first things first. Maybe you've just moved to a new city. Or you've recently landed a new job in a new industry. Or you've broken up with a signifiant other and realized that you lost touch with your former circle of friends along the way. Or you're just looking to add a few new faces to your group. Whatever the reason, making friends as an adult certainly lacks the structure of yesteryear.
Let's review: when you don't have school or extra-curricular activities on your calendar essentially bringing strangers, who we shall rename "potential soon to be friends" together, how do you meet them? Let's go one step further and say you work from home and your coworker is your dog, well, social interactions become a bit more isolated, at best.
Social media: Perhaps this one seems a bit cliche at this point, especially coming from someone who is in the business of social media content creation, but there's a reason why most of you when I asked last night on Insta Stories how you make friends as adults responded with: THE INTERNET. And that reason is? It works. Whether it's through common interests and appreciation on Instagram, Facebook groups you both happen to be a part of or you just happen to like what they have to say on YouTube, there's a whole world of people out there, sitting behind their screens, much like you, wishing they didn't have a screen in front of them all the time.
It probably goes without saying, I've made so many of my good friends through blogging over the years. And some of them, even though I followed them for what seems like ages, I didn't actually get the gumption to reach out for a friendship until much later. Take Karen of Where Did You Get That? for instance. I've read her blog for YEARS. Years people. In fact, if I recall correctly, she was among the first handful of bloggers I started following way back when and I remember thinking at the time: "When I move to NYC someday, I want to be friends with her!"
Fast forward almost a decade later, and here we are, three years into living in NYC myself, and it wasn't until this year at a common event, did Karen and I realize: "Hey, you're cool -- let's be friends!" Certainly doesn't hurt that we over index on a lot of the same dresses, shoes and bags, all with zero prior coordination, but my point is this: sometimes a simple DM, email or comment goes a LONG way in kick starting a friendship. Don't be afraid to reach out. I bet whoever you send it to will welcome the invite!
Mutual friends: Again, perhaps this is an obvious one, but I find it's the approach that makes all the difference here. Sure, you can always ask your friends about their group of friends, but without some extra tangible push here, what's the catalyst for getting that new group together? Plan group outings, like picnics or afternoon movies, and tell everyone in your friend group to bring one of their friends along. When coworkers invite you out for drinks with their friends and you know zero folks in the group, join! And, if we want to piggyback off the first point here about social media, leverage some of your internet friends who may have friends in your town. Bottom line is: The six degrees of Kevin Bacon really is true -- we all have more folks in common than we think and if you go into those interactions with an open mind, you'll find it hard not to walk away with a new friend (or several!).
Bumble BFF: Confession time -- I'm actually trying out Bumble BFF this week, so I don't have any anecdotal success stories to share, BUT, plenty of you guys last night listed it as a great resource. And really, I'm not surprised. When you think about how we meet pretty much everyone else in our lives: significant others, employers, heck, the Task Rabbit dude who installed all the shelves in my apartment -- it really isn't all that farfetched to believe some of your new soon to be best friends might be waiting for you to swipe on them in an app. Much like dating, there's a certain finesse to it -- and just because you don't "click" with someone, doesn't mean you should give up on the whole thing. It takes time, but it's certainly worth it in the end.
Interest groups and clubs: Second to social media, this was the most noted means to making friends when I asked you guys last night on Insta Stories. And it follows a lot of the same logic that your inner 5th grader might use: find things you both love, proceed to geek out over them, and BOOM, FRIENDS, next thing you know, you're begging your parents to let you have sleepovers every other night. Ok, it's not quite like that, but you get the picture. Think of this one as two birds, one stone: join some activities/groups that you personally just love and would want to do anyway in your free time and then make a point to meet and get to know the folks in the group. You may not be braiding everyone's hair by the end of day one, but you'll definitely have some new numbers for coordinating lady dates (more on those below!).
Activities include but are not limited to: exercise classes, book clubs, volunteer organizations, church groups, store events, fellow moms you may run into because of your children's shared activities, you name it! The sky is the limit! Case in point: As some of you may have seen on Insta Stories, I recently started a running group for ladies here in NYC to join and feel like they have a network of women to just get outside and MOVE with. We've only had one official run on the books, but I was impressed by how many of the attendees mentioned they had just moved to the city and were looking to make friends. I was so happy and honored they wanted to do that with my little group!
The lone compliment: This one is my favorite, because in a city like New York, where seemingly no one has time for each other, giving a random, unprompted compliment actually goes REALLY far. I can't tell you how many times I've sparked up a conversation with someone after they compliment my dress or visa versa, and from that group, I've formed a few actual friendships that way -- including my upstairs neighbor. Sometimes, all you need is a small gesture like that to really open the door.
OK, we have a few new friends...now what?
Simply put -- it requires a different kind of effort: It goes without saying, life just gets a bit messier as we get older. We get busier. The schedules pile up. Responsibilities mount. Maybe you have kids. Maybe you don't. And along the way, it gets harder and harder to make time for friendships the way we used to. There's no magic formula here, as every friendship is unique and different, especially if you compound it with the fact some of your friends may live in other cities or countries. Planning phone call dates, catching up via long emails and even planning trips to take together are great ways to really dial into quality time with your friends. Personally, at this stage in my life, a lot of my friends are starting up their own side hustles, which I personally just love rooting on as one of their biggest cheerleaders. Sometimes our checkins are simply: "Give me a rundown of how your launch plan is coming together?" and while it may be short and brief, depending on what we both have going on during the day, I just want to remind them that I'm thinking about them and I believe in them.
Lady dates: My boyfriend recently dubbed some of my lunch dates as of late my "lady dates" and I have to say, I kinda love it! Whether you're just starting to get to know your new-found friend, or catching up with an old one, I love being able to carve some time out of my day to meet up for a slightly longer than usual lunch break with a gal pal. It's a welcomed breath of fresh air (after a lot of screen time) and, as someone who works mainly solo throughout the day, it makes for some great creative idea brainstorm sessions. Plus, it's the perfect way to sneak in some time with those harder-to-schedule-after-work friends, which I tend to be from time to time! I encourage you all to try and set up a few lady dates this week -- I guarantee you'll both leave feeling energized!
And that's all I have! Any tips you want to add? Anecdotes you'd like to share? Success stories you want to gush about? Spill!
If I'm being honest though, as fast as it went by, it really didn't go that quickly at all for me. The past three months have been a bit tumultuous -- up and down really -- in more ways than just the state of my skin (although that was certainly a large contributing factor in this equation). While I can sit here today and say I feel much better writing this post than I did 3 months ago when I was writing this particular post -- that isn't to say things are perfect either. So here goes nothing.
What the hell am I rambling about, you ask? For the sake of not boring you all to tears if you've been following this hormonal acne journey of mine, here's the brief Reader's Digest version of my less than savory journey: For the past 5 years or so, off and on, I've been dealing with varying degrees of hormonal acne -- ranging from mild to moderate at times (although it always felt severe when I was going through it). Up until that point, for my teenage and most of my adult life, I never really experienced Acne -- emphasis on the capital A, because an occasional pimple here and there does not equate Acne. When we talk about Acne, we're talking painful, below the surface cysts that would pop up pretty consistently along my jawline and cheeks, fluctuating week over week with my ever changing womanly cycle (oh the joys of being a woman are never ending, aren't they?).
Over that time period, I exhausted all the avenues to fixing it -- diet changes, lifestyle changes, product changes, supplement changes, heck -- you name it, I probably tried it. Everything short of Accutane that is, which after several months of living here in NYC, I was considering as my last ditch effort. Well, another option could be to try cannabis, I know it worked wonders for my Canadian friends but we can't use it here for legal reasons! Although I have heard in other countries like Canada, its even accessible on the internet from companies like greensociety.com (Click here for more information) which I imagine is handy for them! I was going to have to carry on my mission of finding something else until I eventually worked out a solution! Finally, at the beginning of 2016, I found a dermatologist here in the city who I really trusted and who listened to me (imagine that!), started a round of low hormone birth control (generic Yaz) and 100mg of Spironolactone daily as a final option before Accutane -- the 3 month mark results of which, were FANTASTIC (I documented it here). My skin had finally calmed down, my breakouts were much more manageable and, for the first time in a long time, I felt in control of what was happening with my skin. I no longer felt the need to cover it all up with makeup. After I was recommended to try out more natural products, I think this was possibly one of the best moves I could have made. Plus, I was finally sticking to a skincare routine. I added in oils to help combat my acne, cbd oil specifically. After I was recommended this, I will do the same for anyone who suffers with acne. To help you save a bit of money on products like these, companies like Save On Cannabis can be the solution. You've probably spend more money on skincare than anything else, so saving at least a couple of pounds is better than nothing. I feel like I am nearing the end of my journey with acne. And best part -- I didn't have to resort to Accutane, not that I don't think it's a good, viable option for anyone considering it, I just personally didn't want to try it for fear of other complications. It really shows why it's so important to find a dermatologist you can trust. If you are having similar troubles and live local, then you might like to give a dermatology Dallas a try.
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To speed this along, for most of 2016 I stayed on both medications without a hitch -- and I no longer fixated on my skin. Then, at the recommendation of my dermatologist, I stopped both in early 2017 with no flare ups and enjoyed some proverbial smooth sailing as far as my skin was concerned. Things weren't perfect, but they were 99% better than what I had been experiencing. Cue the end of 2017 and the beginning of 2018, which involved a lot of travel, quite a bit of stress and one fateful Plan B pill, and my skin of yesteryear started to creep back in. Painful, under the skin bumps, many of which lingered for weeks -- most leaving dark red marks and scars in their wake.
Since this isn't my first Acne rodeo, I acted fast -- with this plan I detailed for you all 3 months ago. And, considering I just saw my dermatologist yesterday for my 4 month check in, I decided now was a good time for a little progress update. Spoiler alert: the jury is still out on some of these steps, but overall, I'm feeling much more hopeful about it all! One thing I would like to note before I begin though, is that if this process has taught me anything, it's that if you're struggling with adult hormonal acne as well, you're certainly not alone. It's easy to feel isolated and embarrassed when it comes to dealing with hormonal acne at any age, but certainly as an adult, especially with how picture-perfect everyone looks on social media, but I'm here to assure you, it's far more common than you think.
Oddly enough, this second time around of dealing with this has been more about my mental approach to it all -- and to touch on my initial point at the beginning of this post, I experienced my fair share of ups and extreme downs during this process. I was forced to work on my self esteem and my confidence, two things I considered to be in relatively decent shape, until this recent set back. All of this brings up points I'd like to make in an upcoming post about mental health (coming later this week), so I'll spare you all the soapbox talk now and instead dive into my routine updates.
Oh, and one more thing to note: if there's another thing I've learned throughout this process, it's that what works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. As someone who has been on the receiving end of lots of solicited and unsolicited skincare advice, there's nothing more frustrating than the claim, "YOU NEED TO START DOING THIS, IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL WORK." The reality is, you have to listen to your own body, give things enough time to fully work (sometimes around 3 or 4 months) and find good doctors who you trust and who listen to you. I'm merely sharing my progress here as an encouragement to you all to look into what works for you, not as a prescription or guide plan for your next steps.
Still reading? Cool, let's dive in.
Birth control: First things first -- birth control. Ah, it's a bit controversial isn't it? Honestly, the more I read about birth control, the more I wonder why the hell we don't have a pill yet that men can take that essentially renders their sperm as blanks. Seriously, think about it. If I can trick my body into think it's already pregnant, then I think we have the medical capacity to create a birth control pill for men. The question of whether men would take it or not, I'm sure is where the sexual politics of birth control gets ugly, but that's another discussion for another day.
Back in 2016, I started the same pill I'm on now, a generic form of Yaz. For some contraception history, I've never been on the pill longer than a year at a time, taking several years off between pills as well, mainly because I was just never good at remembering to take it every day. Since this was the only medication I was opting for this time around (last time I combined it with Spironolactone), I became hyper aware of how my body was reacting, week over week, month over month.
Well, I'm just a few days shy of finishing my 4th pack and I have to say, the past 4 months or so haven't been a walk in the park. Here's the play by play, as far as my skin is concerned: the first month, I experienced minimal breakouts (most were manageable), the second month, however, was probably the worst. The breakouts transitioned to painful cysts along my jawline and my left cheek, in particular. The frequency here was also concerning. It wasn't just around my time of the month, it was all month long, with spots going away, only to give way to new ones in the exact same area. FRUSTRATING. Month 3 was more of the same (not fun in London and Lisbon, lemme tell you!). And now, here at the end of month 4, I would like to say it's slowing down. A bit? I only add the question mark there because I still very much feel my hormones aren't quite synced yet. So the deal I have with my dermatologist and gynecologist at the moment is that we'll wait it out for another 2 months and see how my body is reacting. Overall, the past few weeks, my breakouts aren't AS often or AS severe. So, perhaps we're on the up and up? Emphasis on that question mark.
Diet changes: There's a long list of foods you can Google that are likely to spur hormonal acne. Usually at the top of that list is dairy, gluten and sugar. While I haven't been 100% perfect with these eliminations, I've done a lot to reduce my intake of them significantly, dairy being the one I've given up almost entirely (except for very small trace amounts in certain dishes). I've also cut out all red meat and poultry -- opting for fish whenever possible. I've incorporated far more dark green, leafy salads into my lunch routine (kale, spinach etc.) and I snack on a lot of blueberries, which are said to be great for reducing inflammation. I drink at least 2 liters of water a day and 2 cups of Spearmint tea, once in the morning and once in the evening before I go to bed (it's been found to help reduce androgen hormones, which are typically to blame for hormonal breakouts). My original plan was to drink more green tea, which I'll do in the afternoon, if I feel I need an extra caffeine pick me up, but in general, I rely on my one cup of coffee in the morning for my energy kick. I also made a point to cut back on my alcohol consumption -- not entirely -- but enough to really allow my skin to soak up all the water and good stuff I was putting into my body.
The effects? Overall, skin fluctuations aside, I just feel healthier. More alert. And more aware of the impact of food on my well being. Does it mean any of these foods or liquids are trigger points for my breakouts? Hard to say, but I do feel better about incorporating them into a long term game plan, so I'll stay this course, regardless. I should note I also take a daily Vitamin D, fish oil and Evening Primrose Oil supplement.
Spot treatments: My little holy grail products the past few months? Well, they haven't been able to STOP the breakouts, but the acne repair kit from Mario Badescu has been a godsend regardless for handling some of the tough, lurking pimples I've been getting the past few weeks. I rely mainly on the buffering lotion and the spot treatment (which I'll layer in that order) overnight. If I have nothing that requires me to leave my desk for the day, I'll apply in the morning and leave on all day as well. If I'm heading out for the day, I'll apply a spot treatment of benzoyl peroxide directly to my clean skin, targeting the problem areas, before layering on my SPF, followed by moisturizer (I'll detail my full morning and evening routine, with products, below).
Chemical peels: Full disclosure -- I chickened out. Big time with this one. To the point I actually had an appointment scheduled that I canceled a few days before, because I was just, well afraid. I blame this on Googling far too many horror stories of chemical peels gone wrong that I decided if I'm going to do a big overhaul treatment like this, I wanted to wait for my skin flare ups to calm down, so as to not rock the boat too much. Perhaps I'll pull the trigger a few months from now, perhaps not. We'll see.
Exercise: Someone recently asked me via DM on Instagram where I found the motivation to work out most days. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of days (this past 3-4 month period being one of them) where I really have to drag myself out the door to get my butt moving and my heart pumping. Of course, as the days get warmer and the promise of beach vacations help with fitness goals, I still have to say my number one motivation always comes down to mood improvement. I just feel like a more pleasant human being when I fit in a work out every day, whether that's running 3-5 miles, taking a fitness class or just opting to walk home instead of taking the subway. I'll touch on my mental state during this process down below, but let it suffice to say, I always feel better if I exercise on a regular basis and it really helped battle some of the down periods I've experienced recently.
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My skincare routine and products: So here's the rundown, from morning to evening, of everything I've been using lately, including a few new additions that I hope to do a full review of in a few months time.
Cleanse: I rotated between two products during this time. My trusty CeraVe (a gentle foaming cleanser for sensitive skin) and Peter Thomas Roth's Water Drench Cleanser (another gentle cleanser, ideal for dry skin -- which my skin has become, since starting both the birth control and several of the drying spot treatments). To be completely honest, I didn't notice a significant difference between either product's ability to really cleanse my face (particular with regard to removing makeup), so I'll probably opt to just stick with my CeraVe, as it's much more pocket friendly. In the morning, I'll use my hands to wash my face. In the evening, I'll use a white washcloth to make sure I removed any and all makeup.
Exfoliate: I'll do this in the evening, once a week, with Vanity Planet's facial cleansing system, using the silicone brush head, since it has gentle brushes. Instead of using a scrub (I find these just irritate my skin), I'll simply use my cleanser as the active scrubbing agent.
Toner: I use toner on a case by case basis, particularly when I feel my skin is acting up and producing more oil than usual. When that happens, I'll swipe on Peter Thomas Roth's Glycolic Acid Toning Complex. Fair warning, it doesn't smell pleasant and I would recommend starting SLOW with this guy. A little goes a long way.
Sunscreen: After applying my BP to any problem skin areas, I allow it to dry and really soak into my skin (I'll usually brush my teeth during this time), before applying my sunscreen for the day. It probably goes without saying, this step is SO CRUCIAL to your acne journey, as it's likely whatever you're doing to troubleshoot your skin, it's making you much more sensitive to sun exposure. I recently picked up Elta MD UV Clear sunscreen, with SPF 46 for acne prone skin, at my dermatologist's office and I lather quite liberally.
Moisturizer: I have two favorites at the moment, both packing a good punch of Vitamin C, which is great for promoting collagen growth (much needed for me since I have active acne and acne scars). I use Peter Thomas Roth's Camu Camu Power C moisturizer during the day and then Peter Thomas Roth's Potent C Power Serum at night (just ran out of this stuff, going to restock soon).
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Masks: This is going to sound controversial, but I don't dabble in masks all too often these days, again, mainly on a case by case basis. If my skin is feeling extra congested, I'll use Skinceuticals Clarifying Clay Mask and if my skin is feeling a little dry/dull, I'll use Bliss' In The Honey Moisturizing Mask. When my skin is really acting up, I find a good light layer of raw organic honey applied all over my face, helps reduce redness and inflammation.
Lactic Acids: I've been reading a lot about both Sunday Riley's Good Genes and Biologique's Lotion P50 Original 1970. Both came highly recommended by skincare enthusiast friends and both I'm kinda nervous about starting. Mainly because I've read WAY too many reviews on Sephora that note the dreaded initial breakout phases of both products. I have a sample of Sunday Riley's Good Genes, so perhaps I'll start there and report back with a review. Would you guys like that? On a related note, have any of you tried either product? Thoughts?
And that's the rundown of my routine! Of course, I should note, whenever possible, I try to skip makeup, even though I've vetted all products to be non-pore clogging. I think it's important to allow your skin time to breath and to really absorb whatever you're putting on it, product wise, without makeup interfering. I get monthly facials, opting for a more gentle procedure, for sensitive skin.
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The stigma of Acne: So I've mentioned several times throughout this now FAR TOO LENGTHY POST, that this second time around has tested me in different ways, particularly in regard to my attitude toward acne and my self esteem. Let's just all say it together: it's never fun having acne, no matter what age you are. Teenage, adult, senior citizen! And no matter how many times people tell you to stop worrying about it, that it'll eventually go away, that they hardly notice it, it often times doesn't make you feel better. If anything, it makes you fixate even more on it, especially if those friends can't really relate to what you're going through. I've tied so many products from the store which they say will help with acne, but some don't do anything at all. If you feel like you've already tried eveything, you may want to look into using products like cbdoil and see how that works for your skin. Everyone is different, so it may work for you but not for others. It is worth a try.
I'll be the first to admit, I let the state of my skin control my mood far too many times, only to feel disappointed in myself for allowing those feelings to control me in the first place, because hey, I'm a well-adjusted 32 year old woman who shouldn't let her outward appearance dictate so much. The reality is, this cycle continued and sometimes still gets the best of me, if I'm being completely honest. I've had plenty of moments recently where I catch myself thinking, "Krystal, snap out of it. Things aren't that bad." And it's true. Things aren't that bad.
My dermatologist once put it into perspective for me, noting that acne usually isn't a sign of some BIG underlying problem -- there's nothing WRONG with you. It's just unsightly. And it's unsightly because society tells us it is. No matter where you are with your acne journey, I didn't want to end today's post on a "LOOK AT ME, I FIXED MY PROBLEM" note, because I am far from having perfect skin, nor do I expect perfect skin ever. These photos here are shot in quite flattering studio lighting and thanks to some makeup coverage and intentional hair placement, the areas of my face that make me feel uncomfortable are covered up. I have plenty of flaws, and perhaps I'll get the courage someday to share photos that highlight all of them. But I'm here to remind you, perfection is unrealistic, despite what Instagram filters might lead us all to believe. We all have flaws -- zits, warts, scars and all. I wanted to end today's post, reiterating that if you're going through this journey, you're not alone. There are plenty of statistics I could throw out here, but let it suffice to say, there is a huge support system out there, including the girl you see here, in these photos, who is happy to email, text and yes, chat on the phone with you about whatever state of your skin is getting you down. Seriously, just say the word.
Speaking of words, my word count is now up to over 3,000. So I think that's my cue to wind this down. But please, sound off below. Would love to hear any thoughts/feedback/personal stories about your skincare journey.
As of this moment, I'm basking in a feeling I haven't yet experienced — I'm a college graduate! In case you didn't know, I, Nora, am (was?) a student at New York University for the past four years, studying media, culture, and communication and creative writing. I moved to New York for school and haven't looked back since, but, in that sense, I really haven't looked back since. This week has been a flurry of finals, events, and multiple (yes, multiple) graduation ceremonies, and I feel like I still haven't had a chance to catch my breath. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, and I have no plans for this weekend other than to sleep for an entire day. Or maybe a couple of days.
Among all of the craziness that's gone on lately, and even as I write this, I haven't really been thinking about the past. I've been thinking about what to wear to Radio City Music Hall for graduation #1 (NYU really believes in casual graduation venues), I've been thinking about all the work I have to do for my last final (turned in on time on Tuesday! Woo!), I've been thinking about how I've been staying up way past my bedtime and waking up way before my alarm clock in order to get everything done that needs to get done. Even at the actual graduation ceremonies, I find myself thinking ahead to the next friend's name about to be read, or to the next meal I'll get to eat, or to how hot/rainy/chilly/windy it'll be once we get outside — the weather has been insane this week. It's been hard to really live in the moment, let alone the past.
But now, I finally have a minute to breathe, and to process everything that's happened to me not only in the past week but the past four amazing years at NYU and in New York. I've had so many incredible experiences in this city that were facilitated by my presence at NYU, and for that I'll be forever grateful. Heck, I wouldn't have met Krystal were it not for NYU housing me in Greenwich Village — I creepily DM'd her on Instagram about how we had all the same favorite spots until she had to be my friend, ha! I will miss my friends who are moving away to start the next part of their life. Some have been offered jobs already, someone is becoming a Cultural Care Au Pair so they can travel and earn some money and some have decided to continue with education in another place. At least I still have plenty of friends that are still near me.
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So, in no particular order, here are a few of my Friday favorites, college edition:
When my dear friend Cynthia waddled into my room before the first day of classes, swathed in a blanket, sat down on the ground, and said, "We have to go to class tomorrow…and I have to figure out the rest of my LIFE tomorrow!" I think you still have some time, Cynthia 🙂
THIS FEELING. (*starts singing The Schuyler Sisters*)
Study abroad in Paris! This was such a beautiful time — but it was also so hard adjusting to life in a different country, without many friends, not speaking the language, while life goes on without you at home. More on that another time, though!
Seeing time change — our favorite corner in 2016 on the Fourth of July and 2018, on graduation day
There are so many more moments, but I'll spare you for now. Just a reminder to anyone going through anything at the moment: don't be afraid to look back. Make time for it. It matters. But also, always keep looking forward — there will be better things on the horizon.
